From the recording Tall Tales and Therefore Truths

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Written by Mark Brine

Did I ever tell you ‘bout the time
That Pete and Stinky formed a ‘We-Hate-Girls Club’?
Yeah, and built a little shack, by the railroad tracks
Right out behind the Shamrock Pub

1. Yeah, and before too long, they’d talked half of the boys from Troop 60
into joining at a very low price of fifty cents
Of course, Petey and Stinky, respectively
Elected themselves Vice and President

2. Now, the first rule and most important was no girls allowed
In the clubhouse at any time
Second ‘Thou shalt not ever talk to them, or even be seen in their company’
Read the hand-painted Rules and Regulations sign

3. And at every single meeting, there would stand Stinky
In his highest-ranking, authoritatively, boring way
Soap-boxed, he’d recite them, while Petey squeaked a bad version of
“America. The Beautiful” on a little harmonica he’d play

4. Now, there was Tommy and Skippy, Stevey and Paul
And they all belonged to this little musical group
Along with little Marky on guitar, they were members in good standing
Not to mention, Scouts in the 60’s Troop

5. And seeing they belonged to the W.H.G.C., Stinky gave them permission
To practice in the clubhouse anytime
Not ‘cause he loved music, but because he knew it would draw new members
Yeah, and as thick as he was, Stinky did have a business mind

6. But, you know how it is with music... it always attracts the ladies
And before too long, Pete and Stinky were just about going out of their minds
Never realizing ‘til it was too late... but, considering all the new dues they were collecting
They put up with it... running off the girls, each time

7. Now, let me tell you a bit about these five little minstrels
‘cause, they were quite an outrageous crew
There was Stevey, also known as ‘Fido’, Skip and Paul
And it’s best that I leave it at that, concerning them last two

8. And little Marky... well, he was the rebel
A devilish imp, though kind of shy and withdrawn
And Tommy, the lover-boy, the only reason he’d joined the club was
‘cause of the band... yeah, ‘n when it came to hating girls, he just did not belong!

9. And Stinky and Pete, they were fully aware of this
And forever keeping their eyes on Tom
knowing, right well, the real reason he’d joined
and feeling certain they’d be catching him with a girl, before long

10. Now, when Troop 60 had its Thanksgiving Dance and needed music
There was no questions about who’d be hired to play
And as for the remaining members of the W.H.G.C., Stinky realized
Certain exceptions were gonna have to be made

11. So, at a secret meeting, President You-Know-Who proclaimed
“Hear Ye, all members of the W.H.G.C…
Dancing will be allowed but, no holding hands or getting too close
Should V.P. Petey and me come to see”

12. When that Thursday Night rolled ‘round and the dance was in full swing
Stinky and Pete could be seen prowling about
Chaperoning and spying on all of their members... especially Tom,
Who they were most-of-all concerned about

13. Now, when little Marky disappeared ‘round the middle of the night
Rumor had it that he’d met up with this sweet, little darling named Sue
And slipped out, when Pete and Stinky were too involved and busy
With the rest of the crew to find time to pursue

14. And Tom, himself, had been warned all night
to stay away from this sweet, little thing named Grace
But, when the dance was through, he’d vanished too!
And Stinky and Pete formed a posse for the chase

15. Well, up and down, the dark streets and alleys,
they searched for them to no avail
Then, running into Dennis, from Troop 4, along the way... he said he’d seen
Marky with some little girl, two hours before, near the jail

16. “NEAR THE JAIL!” shouted Stinky
So, they took off, right in the direction of the W.H.G.C. shack, so loved

17. And, sure enough, when they got there and peeked through the cracks
They saw Marky and Sue, Tom and Grace
Right there inside, just huggin’ and a’ kissin’ away
Then Stinky jumped back, all red in the face

18. “Okay, Men... Here’s what we’re gonna do
Do you see that boxcar right over there?
Let’s all get in and when they come out
We’ll catch ‘em and give ‘em just one heck of a scare”

19. So, one by one, up they climbed
‘til the last one little Petey was pulled in
Then, sliding the metal door closed, practically all the way
They waited for the excitement to begin

20. Well, not even a half hour later, the clubhouse door opened
And, at the same time, they heard a very-nearby train whistle blow
Then, a violent jolt, rattled the boxcar
and before they could get to the door, they felt movement below

21. Yes, little had they known... or even thought about
That boxcar being used that night
But, it was too late now and when they looked outside
Marky and Tom and the girls were, already, pretty nearly out of sight

22. Screaming and hollering, they took off down the track
Stinky feeling about two feet tall
‘til a surrendering silence came from the boxcar
Then, fading, you could hear them all

23. Yeah, no doubt, all led by Petey came those famous words
In a perfect unison
Echoing through the night, as they chugged out of sight…

24. Now, the moral of this tale is to never enlist
Musicians, when it comes to forming a Girls-Haters Club
Of all the males types, they’re your worst bets, take my word
‘cause, they’re FOREVER falling in and out of love

25. And whatever you do... or whatever you pursue in life
Don’t ever make a stand in a boxcar
‘cause, you might go far… yeah, farther than you think
No matter however-good-meaning a person you are!

26. And if you don’t believe me, just look down them tracks
You hear that? That’s what I’m talking about
Yeah, ole Stinky and Pete... and the W.H.G.C.
Yeah, the We…Hate... Girls... Club... on the road!
So long, Petey and Stinky... Have a good trip!

©2020 Miss Rebecca Music (Ascap)